


City of the Gods

by ironic_boner



Category: White Collar
Genre: AU, Gen, Happy Ending, and neal is a thieving mortal, it's basically an AU where everyone is a god(dess) of something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 20:49:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7189694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironic_boner/pseuds/ironic_boner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where gods walk the earth and interfere with mortals, Neal gets caught up in a heist in the sky god’s palace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	City of the Gods

It’s only been a week since Neal stole the crowns of three foreign monarchs who had chosen to meet in New York City. It’s way too hot to sell them just yet. Neal likes to visit them, though, in the secret storage unit where he stashes his treasures. He likes to watch the gems twinkle in the shitty fluorescent lighting and feel the heaviness of the gold as he turns them over in his hands.

He’s considering keeping the one from Spain, actually. It’s his favourite. He puts it on and looks into the 500 year old mirror he thinks he stole from a museum. It’s a little warped, but Neal still looks magnificent.

“Your Majesty.” He bows to himself.

“I usually prefer Agent,” says a dry voice, and a man in a horrifically cheap suit steps out from behind Neal’s stack of real Degas.

Now, Neal prides himself on always being cool and composed. He can con a man holding a gun to his head. He can talk to a group of FBI agents while holding a million dollars in stolen rings, wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of July, without breaking a sweat.

Nevertheless. 

Neal shrieks, steps backwards, trips over his stack of forged Degas, and sprawls on the ground.

The man pulls a badge out of his suit jacket pocket. “Peter Burke, FBI.”

Neal squints at it for only the split second before it disappears again, but that’s enough. He knows a forgery when he sees one. Especially one blurry with power and glowing gold.

“You’re the god of the FBI?” Neal asks incredulously, as he stands and dusts himself off. “They’re _important_ enough to have a god?

“You thieves have a god,” Peter says, crossing his arms. “Why shouldn’t the FBI?”

“The thieves, of which I’m _allegedly_ one, have been around for millennia,” Neal snaps. “The FBI is just a bunch of bumbling incompetent babies in ugly outdated suits.” He gestures at Peter.

“I wouldn’t say that if I were you,” Peter says, brandishing his badge warningly.

“Yeah?” Neal says. “Like you’ve got jurisdiction.”

Peter scowls. “This isn’t over,” he says, before he disappears.

 

*****

That’s the first time Neal meets a deity, assuming his mother’s claims that he was blessed by the goddess of beauty at birth were false, but it isn’t the last. It’s said that once one god takes an interest in you, more will follow suit and your life as you knew it is over. Well, apparently that’s true. 

It’s less than a month later when a woman with long, light brown hair shows up on one of Neal’s heists. He nearly panics, because this heist has gone badly from start to finish (not that it’s done yet) and he really doesn’t need to deal with conning whoever this is while trying to open the upgraded safe that he’s very unprepared for. But before he can come up with a good story for what he’s doing trying to open someone else’s safe while the building is under a lockdown, she flicks her fingers at him and says, “Move over.”

Neal watches incredulously as she cracks the safe in two minutes flat. He might be a little bit in love.

“All yours,” she says, waving to the safe’s contents.

Neal quickly loads up the bag he’s brought with the precious stones inside the safe, but pauses at the last one. He offers it to her - a large, almost perfect ruby. “For you, my lady,” he says, because Neal can recognize a goddess and he knows it’s only polite to give the goddess of thieves an offering after a job this successful, especially when she helped out personally.

The goddess laughs delightedly and takes the ruby, slipping it into a pocket. “Alex Hunter,” she says, offering a hand.

“Neal Caffrey.” Neal shakes.

“Oh, I know who you are, Neal,” the goddess says.

That’s when Mozzie appears at the door and hisses, “Neal! Hurry up!” He pauses when he sees Alex, and says, disapprovingly, “Oh. You’ve got company.”

“Long time, no see!” Alex says, grinning at Mozzie. Neal darts a glance at Mozzie, confused. Since when does Mozzie know the goddess of thieves, and why hasn’t Neal been introduced?

“Uh.” Mozzie looks quickly between Neal and Alex. “Have we met?”

Alex narrows her eyes at him and then seems to catch on to - something. Neal doesn’t know. Neal has no idea why Mozzie is suddenly being shifty.

Alex laughs, but it rings a bit hollow. Neal frowns. “Oh, come on, don’t try and pretend you did that whole Dentist of Detroit thing by yourself! I helped out, and I deserve some credit.”

“Fine,” Mozzie sniffed, sounding more relieved than offended. “What are you doing here?”

“Helping,” Alex says, innocently.

“And you want a favour in return,” Mozzie guesses, arms crossed.

“Yes,” Alex admits, “but maybe here isn’t the place?” 

She points to Neal’s watch, which is counting down how many minutes he and Mozzie estimated they would have before the security guards showed up, and which has reached alarming low numbers. They flee the scene.

As they walk casually down the street, police cars rushing past them, Alex explains her favour.

“Now that you’ve got some spare time on your hands thanks to me, I was hoping you’d like to help me out with something. I hear Neal’s the best thief of his generation, and I have a job for him. I’ll get something I need, Neal will become a true legend, and I’ll owe both of you a favour. How does that sound?”

“Very sketchy,” says Mozzie, crossly.

“But we'll do it,” adds Neal, quickly.

And so Alex gives them the target, the time, and the place.

*****

It's pretty hard to case a palace in the sky. In fact, Neal has no idea how Mozzie managed to get the blueprints. He had no idea the sky palace even had blueprints.

"I have connections everywhere," Mozzie says, waving his questions away. "Now, back to the task at hand - how are we getting into the throne room?"

It turns out that the opulence of the room will be the god's undoing. Specifically, the god of the sky. Who happens to be the ruler of the sky palace.

("I told you this was sketchy," Mozzie says. "We're going to be struck down by lightning."

"Not if the sky god doesn't have his lightning spear to strike us with," Neal grins.)

Anyways, the plan is for Neal to crawl out on the golden rafters of the ceiling and go fishing for the lightning spear that Alex wants. The sky god naps on his throne every afternoon at one. Go in, drop down a cord with a magnet on the end, pull up the spear, and leave. They’re going in undercover as mortals pilgrimaging to the Goddess of Healing - Mozzie’s hypochondria is bad enough that he can probably distract her for as long as they need. The elevator goddess, Addison, will take them up up and down from the sky palace.

*****

Nothing goes to plan.

Well, they do manage the trip up through the clouds to the sky palace. It’s actually beautiful, looking down on the puffy clouds below and the earth far below them, and the rising towers of the sparkling silver palace in the sky. Neal wishes they weren’t here on a job - this place is gorgeous.

The first unfortunate thing is that as soon as Addison the elevator goddess sets them down on the steps and wishes them luck, Agent Peter Burke swoops down on them.

“Neal Caffrey,” he says, “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Look,” Neal says, in an undertone, shielding Mozzie from the guy. “I get that you have a beef with me, okay? But I’m just here to take my friend to see the Goddess of Healing, if that’s alright? He’s - he’s not well.”

Peter peers around him at Mozzie. “You look familiar,” he says.

“I don’t think so,” Mozzie says, obligingly doing his best to look very ill: he hunches over and pulls his coat around himself and gives a hacking cough into his hand, which he then holds out. “Pleased to meet you, though.”

Peter tries to hide his disgust but doesn’t shake Mozzie’s hand.

“Fine,” he says to Neal, eyes narrowed. “If I catch you doing _anything_ else…”

Neal smiles angelically. “I’ll be perfect,” he promises.

****  
Neal pulls off the heist beautifully and is slipping back out of the ceiling, lightning spear clutched to his chest, when a hand grabs the back of his neck.

“Perfect indeed,” Peter says.

Neal yelps, kicks him in the knee, and takes off.

He memorized the blueprints that Mozzie had produced, and he knows how to get to the infirmary from here, which is where Mozzie is supposed to be waiting for him. He runs, taking the most circuitous, confusing route possible and twice leaping between tower roofs.

Peter _still_ nearly catches up to him three times, with pure luck (and a massive fruit basket) being the only things that stop him from actually capturing Neal.

“Mozzie!” Neal yells from outside the infirmary. “Time to go!”

He hears Mozzie tell the goddess, “I suddenly feel much better! Thank you so much!” and then they’re sprinting together down the hall.

“I can’t seem to lose him,” Neal pants.

“Who?” Mozzie demands. “Why are we even running?”

“Peter Burke,” is all Neal can say. (Maybe he should exercise more. He just really doesn’t like exercise clothes, okay?)

Mozzie groans. “The FBI god you met? Why didn’t you say so?” He yanks Neal aside into the next room they pass.

“I think this is the woman’s bathroom,” Neal says.

“It’ll slow him down,” Mozzie mumbles. “He’s put a tracking spell on you!”

Oh. That’s not good. Neal for the first time starts to reconsider the wisdom of taking this mission. Peter can use magic to try and catch him, which Neal can’t fight. And if Neal is caught? Well, the sky god he’s stolen the spear from is in charge of sentencing criminals, so Neal’s probably in prison in the clouds _forever_. Including after his death.

“Shit,” Neal says. “What do we do?”

“Do?” Mozzie asks hysterically. “Do you think I’m a wizard? A god? Only a god can lift that off you, Neal!”

“So you’re suggesting we just let ourselves be caught and sentenced by the sky god?”

Mozzie freezes. “No,” he says. “No, that’s also bad. Lemme just try -”

He grabs Neal’s ankle and does - something. Neal can feel something happening, he’s just not sure what. It’s a very weird tingling sensation and he definitely doesn’t want it to ever happen again, though - he’s sure of that.

“That should do it,” Mozzie says. “Give me two minutes to distract the Suit, then get to the elevator. He doesn’t have any evidence to hold me on. Got it?”

Neal nods. Mozzie leaves, and two minutes later Neal runs out of the bathroom. Peter is there waiting for him, Mozzie’s distraction apparently having been insufficient, and the chase is back on again.

 

****

Neal dashes through a doorway and looks around. It’s an extremely opulent bedroom, with a massive king-sized bed and red and gold furnishings and whose bedroom is this, the god of Gryffindors? (On second thought, Neal doesn't want to know whose bedroom he’s crashing, because realistically, gods probably frown on that.)

But, apparently this wasn't the way out. Neal freezes, looking between his three options: the door he'd just entered through, towards which Peter's loud footsteps approach relentlessly; the closet, which Neal has way too much dignity to even consider as an option (...okay, he'd do it if it would work, but there was no way in hell it would and he doesn't want to see the smug look on Peter's face as he crouches inside a _closet_ of all things); and finally, the balcony. It’s got a nice view, Neal thinks, you can even see a small patch of green earth below if you look between the huge white fluffy clouds. Unfortunately, it’s a pretty horrible escape route.

Which Peter realizes, too, as soon as he gets into the room.

The FBI agent pauses to rest in the doorway, panting as he blocks Neal's best (only?) escape route. "Why don't you put that down," he suggests, pointing at Neal's newly acquired lightning spear.

Neal looks at the thing. Really, it could probably get him out of here. In hindsight, the second Peter had laid eyes on him, all he'd needed to do was blast him with lightning, and all Neal's problems would've disappeared. It’s pretty clear how the thing works, too - there’s a lever near the hilt that would release a bolt. Neal eyes it contemplatively.

Peter looks supremely unconcerned that his captive is holding a weapon capable of killing him painfully. "We both know you're not going to use it," Peter says.

"We do?" Neal asks.

"You don't like guns," Peter reminds him, taking a step forward. "I'm betting that extends to spears that fire lightning, as well."

"You're betting your life on it, if you take another step," Neal warns desperately.

Peter smiles, and Neal regrets speaking, because as soon as Peter calls his bluff, any advantage he'd had was gone. His awesome, threatening weapon is of no use to him because he won't use it, at least not while Peter isn't actually threatening his life. His plan has gone to hell in a handbasket. His accomplice, Mozzie, is gone who knows where.

Peter takes a step. Neal sighs and leans on the lightning spear, scorching the red carpet a little with the sharp end.

Peter grins and says, "I definitely have jurisdiction here, Caffrey," and takes his handcuffs off his belt.

Although, speaking of Mozzie - 

Alex had already known him. Now, Mozzie was a great thief, so it was possible they'd met in the business. But he also got drunk and bragged a lot, and Neal's pretty sure "one time I met the goddess of thieves" is something Mozzie would brag about. Unless they hadn't met because of Mozzie's thievery. If maybe they'd met at a family dinner.

Plus, Mozzie had said himself that only a god could undo Peter's tracking spell. If that was true - 

Neal dodges Peter's reach for his spear.

"Caffrey," Peter says, sounding worried. "There's nowhere to go."

Neal takes a few slow steps backwards, towards Horrible Escape Option Number 3.

"Neal," Peter says. "The only way this ends well is if you just give up that spear and come with me. You'll get a good deal if you name your associates."

Neal laughs and walks out onto the balcony. "I stole the sky god's lightning spear, Peter, I'm never leaving a prison cell if I go with you."

"I'll make sure you get a fair trial," Peter offers. "Neal!" he shouts, as Neal leaps up onto the rail of the balcony. "Don't do this."

Neal just tips his hat and dives.

*****

Neal free-falls, spiralling downwards as he grips his hat in one hand and his spear in the other. He curses his ability to do math in his head as he unwillingly calculates how long it will take before he hits the ground: less than two minutes, unless someone catches him. He closes his eyes and prays.

_Mozzie_ , he thinks, as loudly as he can. _Moz, I thought I’d go sky-diving, but I forgot my parachute. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Love, Neal._

As he keeps falling, the air whipping past his face seems ever harsher. His heartbeat thunders in his ears. He tries not to count the beats. He keeps his eyes close to avoid looking at the ground, afraid of how close he will be. This wasn't worth dying for, he thinks.

Then he hits something.

"Oomph!" the something says, in Mozzie's voice, even though it doesn't feel like Mozzie at all. It wraps fuzzy arms around him and pulls him against a soft body, in the nicest, coziest, most comforting hug Neal has ever felt. And he's not just saying that because seconds ago he was falling to his death, and now he's being held by someone floating slowly to the earth. No, it is a _great_ \- albeit fluffy - hug.

"Mozzie?"

"I'm right here, you suicidal moron."

"Are you the god of _teddy bears_?"

There is a long silence. "Shut up, Neal.”

*****

Neal prays to Alex to let her know they succeeded. She trades them each a favour for the spear. Before she leaves, she tells Neal she’s glad he’s alive.

“That annoying FBI agent has been blaming me for your supposed death, you know. He’s very angry. He tried to catch you, too, but I guess Teddy got there first?”

“It’s Mozzie now,” Mozzie snaps, crossing his arms.

“Because that’s so much better.” Alex rolls her eyes. “Anyways, maybe let him know you’re alive?”

Neal decides, since it’s almost the middle of July and therefore almost the anniversary of the foundation of the FBI, to send him a birthday card. Alex happily delivers it without even calling it a favour.


End file.
